Litt humor i hverdagen.


Razortec

Medlem
24 Mar 2007
4.831
0
0
Må le av kampanjen til Spaceworld. Grisepriser, det er ihvertfall svinedyrt :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
 

jan arild

Medlem
18 Mar 2005
532
0
16
Har dere tenkt over hva dere spiser.

På syltetøyglasset er det bilde av bær.
På nugatti er det bilde av nøtter.
På banos er det bilde av bananer.
Hva er det bilde av på leverpostei boksen???

Stabburet - PÃ¥legg
 

Mr_Spock

Medlem
5 Nov 2003
16.355
0
0
Sandefjord
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when
the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
___________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the fuck is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
____________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

_________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest.
I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

__________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chilli.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it,
is it possible to burnout taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch
is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?
_________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me
brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks!

__________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames.
I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

__________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a
fucking thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water.
My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my fuckin shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
 

Starman

Medlem
6 Apr 2006
9.274
0
0
Morsomme sitater fra Amerikanske rettsaler

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTOR NEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None .
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

:mrgreen:
 

kjetilae

Medlem
1 Des 2007
1.170
0
0
En ung gutt fra en by i Nordnorge flyttet til Oslo og gikk til ett
stort kjøpesenter for å søke jobb.
Sjefen for kjøpesenteret spurte: "Har du noe selgererfaring?"
Gutten svarte: "Nåååå, jooo, har jo jobbet som selger hjemme i bygda."
Ettersom sjefen syntes gutten virket trivelig og frampå, bestemte han
seg for å ansette ham.
"Du kan begynne i morgen tidlig" sa han til gutten. "Jeg kommer ned
etter vi har stengt i morgen kveld og ser hvordan du har hatt det på
din første dag på jobb."

Gutten hadde en tung dag, men til slutt var den ferdig. Etter
stengetid kom så sjefen ned som han hadde lovet dagen før. "Hvor mange
salg gjorde du i dag?" Spurte sjefen. Gutten svarte: "Ett."
Da ble sjefen litt forundret og sa "Bare ett!? Våre selgere bruker
normalt å gjøre mellom 20 og 30 salg på en dag. Hvor mye penger var det
snakk om?" Gutten svarte: "1 911 138 kr. "Sjefen ble svært overrasket og
sa: "1 911 138 kr!!! Hva solgte du ham?"
Gutten svarte: "Først solgte jeg en liten fiskekrok. Så solgte jeg en
mellomstor fiskekrok. Deretter solgte jeg en stor fiskekrok. Siden ble
det fiskesnøre. Da jeg spurte hvor han skulle fiske, svarte han at han
skulle dra ned til kysten. Da sa jeg at han kunne trenge en båt, så vi
gikk ned til båtavdelingen. Der solgte jeg ham den store Baylineren
med doble motorer. Deretter viste det seg at hans lille Honda Civic
ikke kunne dra den store båten, så jeg tok ham med til bilavdelingen og
solgte ham en Chevrolet Tahoe 4-hjulstrekker og en ny båthenger.
"Sjefen, som nå var i sjokktilstand sa... "Så du mener altså at en
mann kom inn for å kjøpe en fiskekrok og du klarte å selge han en båt
og en bil????"
Da svarte gutten glatt: "Nei, nei! Han kom inn og skulle kjøpe tamponger
til sin kone, og da sa jeg at han like gjerne kunne dra og fiske,
ettersom helgen allikevel var ødelagt!"
 

kjetilae

Medlem
1 Des 2007
1.170
0
0
santa claus skrev:
Nå er eg slettes ikke fan av ville fester til langt på natt i nabolaget...

Men denne karen tar naboklager litt lenger :mrgreen:

http://pub.tv2.no/multimedia/na/archive/00612/08_juli_nabokrangel_612662a.pdf
hva er vitsen å ha en plass å bo hvis en ikke kan høre på musikk som en vil? jeg bor selv i blokk, og det ser ikke ut at noen her bryr seg, spurte nærmeste nabo, svare var at hu hadde vært ung hu og, så gikk greit! hu skulle si fra hvis det blei for ille! har ikke hørt noe! digg!! :-D