Sparker liv i denne tråden igjen, med noe jeg har fra et annet forum.
(When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.
I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.
Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.
I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.
Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.
She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.
So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.
She stuck her finger up my ass.
My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.
I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.
No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.
And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.
I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.
I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.
Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.
I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.
I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.
Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.
The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.
I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.
Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.)
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10-30-2009, 16:19 #2041
10-31-2009, 15:24 #2042
11-02-2009, 01:45 #2043
11-02-2009, 09:42 #2044Opprinnelig postet av crx
11-05-2009, 10:44 #2045
He he. Den er legendarisk den der. Tar den frem når jeg har en tung dag, og da ordner det meste seg. Har en til, og den kommer her:
I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.
Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, "I got drunk on Dom and [freak]ed this hottie" story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: [freak]ing on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah...Jesus. What does it say about how [freak]ed up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?
Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception...
I was seeing one girl, "Jaime," about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.
The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she'd had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn't know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I'd missed out on (when I wasn't cheating on her, of course).
Buttsex, known in the biz as "anal," was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.
She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn't keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:
Jaime "But...I've never done it."
Tucker "I've never done it either; it can be our thing."
Jaime "But...I don't know if I'll like it."
Tucker "You won't have to worry about getting pregnant."
Jaime "But...I like normal sex."
Tucker "Everyone's doing anal. It's the new black."
Jaime "But...I don't know...it seems weird."
Tucker "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"
After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:
"OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent's restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I'm tired of being your Monday night girl."
I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as "aphrodisiac cuisine." Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.
Thanks to my father's connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to [freak] Jaime in the butt; I wasn't about to let a $400 tab get in my way.
By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to [freak] her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start [freak]ing. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.
Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.
[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]
This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life...so I decided to film us.
I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera...without telling her.
That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera...I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.
No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I'm just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.
I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.
By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, "I'm ready."
I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.
A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn't have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you [freak] a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world's best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.
The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, "Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she'll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it's smooth sailing from there."
Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.
I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.
But Tucker Max wasn't done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.
Really--consider my thought process: I was going to [freak] her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.
Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.
Before I knew it I was [freak]ing her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint "psssst" sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.
It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:
"Did you...did you just...shit on my dick??"
I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.
I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.
I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:
I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.
She turned her head, said, "Tucker, what are you doing?," saw me vomiting on her, screamed "Oh my God!," and immediately joined me:
Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.
I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:
The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.
I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime's, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:
"OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU [freak] ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH."
She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.
The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.
The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.
I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.
What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn't get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn't bring a purse or any money with her).
Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.
I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I'll find out how she got home.
11-05-2009, 19:27 #2046
Hehehehe!!!! Den var fantastisk god CRX!
11-07-2009, 03:20 #2047
Ja ja, ha du noen gang hatt en så dålig dag som denne mureren ??
En murers bekjennelse
Jeg vil med dette svare på din forespørsel om nærmere opplysninger angående pkt. 3 i min skademelding. Jeg oppgir "dårlig planlegging" som årsak til ulykken. Du sier i ditt brev at jeg bør forklare mer fullstendig, og jeg håper derfor at følgende detaljer vil være tilstrekkelig.
Jeg er murer av yrke. På ulykkesdagen arbeidet jeg alene på taket av et 5-etasjes nybygg. Da jeg var ferdig med jobben, oppdaget jeg at jeg hadde ca 200 kg murstein til overs. I stedet for å bære steinen ned for hånd, bestemte jeg meg for å fire steinen ned i en tønne ved hjelp av en talje som, heldigvis, var fast i bygningen i 5. etasje.
Etter å ha sikret tauet nede på bakken, gikk jeg opp på taket, svingte ut tønna og la steinen oppi. Så gikk jeg ned på bakken igjen og løsnet tauet, samtidig som jeg holdt fast for å sikre en sakte og pen firing av de 200 kg med stein.
Som du vil se av pkt 11 i skademeldingen er min vekt 60 kg. På grunn av overraskelse ved plutselig å bli rykket opp i lufta, mistet jeg selvkontrollen og glemte å slippe tauet.
Selvfølgelig for jeg nokså fort opp langs bygget. I nærheten av 2. etasje møtte jeg tønna som for nedover med en like imponerende fart. Dette forklarer kraniebruddet, de mindre skrammene og det brukne kragebeinet som er nevnt i skademeldingens del III. Bare noe forsinket fortsatte jeg min hurtige oppstigning, og stoppet ikke for 2 ledd av fingre på høyre hånd satt inne i talja.
Heldigvis hadde jeg på dette tidspunkt gjenvunnet min åndsnærværelse, og klarte å holde fast i tauet til tross for den pinefulle smerten jeg nå begynte å kjenne. Men tønna med stein traff bakken omtrent samtidig, og bunnen falt ut av tønna. Fri for vekten av mursteinene, veide tønna nå ca 20 kg. Jeg viser igjen til min vekt, pkt 11.
Som du sikkert kan forestille deg, startet jeg nå en hurtig nedstigning langs bygningen. I nærheten av 2. etasje møtte jeg tønna som var på vei opp. Dette er grunnen til de 2 ankelbruddene, den brukne tanna og de alvorlige riftene i beina og underkroppen. Her begynte lykken å snu seg noe, sammenstøtet med tønna så ut til å ha sinket meg såpass at dette begrenset skadene da jeg falt oppi haugen med murstein og, heldigvis, brakk kun tre ryggvirvler.
Dessverre må jeg rapportere at da jeg lå der i smerte på mursteinshaugen, ute av stand til å bevege meg, og mens jeg betraktet den tomme tønna 5 etasjer over meg, ble jeg igjen åndsfraværende og slapp dermed tauet, med den følge at tønna igjen kom nedover med stor fart og traff meg i mursteinshaugen over brystet og nesa, slik at resultatet ble 10 brukne ribben, brukket nese og inntrykket kjeveben, som nevnt i skademeldingens del IV.
Etter denne så ulykkelige hendelse har jeg gått 90% invalid.
Med påholden penn
Ole F. Altned
11-12-2009, 18:15 #2048
11-13-2009, 00:11 #2049
11-15-2009, 04:02 #2050
11-24-2009, 01:06 #2051
11-27-2009, 18:05 #2052
Litt om blondiner da. + en som må være brunette vits
Det står 17 blondiner utenfor en nattklubb. Hva venter de på?
- Den siste. Man må være 18 for å få komme inn.
Hvorfor går blondiner rundt med et kålhue i vesken?
- Det er ID-kortet deres.
Hva er forskjellen mellom en terrorist og en blondine som har mensen?
- Man kan forhandle med terroristen.
Hva kaller man en blondine som er uskyldig
Hva sier en blondine som har nådd toppen av sin karriere?
- Velkommen til McDonald´s.
Hørt om blondinen og puslespillet.
- Hun var så stolt over seg selv fordi det bare tok henne 2 måneder å fullføre. På esken stod det 2-3 år.
Hvordan får man en blondines øyne til å gnistre?
- Lyser inn øret med en lommelykt.
Hvor mange blondiner trenger man for å skru i en lyspære?
- En. De tror at hele verden sirkler rundt dem.
Hvorfor får ikke blondiner ta kaffepause?
- Det tar for lang tid å lære dem opp igjen.
Hva gjør du hvis en blondine kaster en granat mot deg?
- Drar ut sikringen, og kaster den tilbake.
En blondine kommer inn på et bankkontor i Oslo og ber om å få et lån.
Hun sier at hun skal sydpå i Europa på forretningsreise i to uker, og er nødt til at låne 5.000 kroner.
Bankmannen sier at han behøver en form for sikkerhet for lånet.
Blondinen gir ham da nøklerne til en splitter ny Mercedes som står parkeret på gaten utenfor banken.
Dette fungerer fint og banken aksepterer bilen som sikkerhet for lånet.
Bankmannen og de andre i banken får seg alle en god latter på blondinens
bekostning, som bruker en Benz' til 1.8 millioner som sikkerhet for et lån på 5.000 kroner.
Han kjører så bilen ned i bankens garasje og parkerer den der.
To uker senere kommer blondinen igen og betaler de 5.000 pluss rente 31 kroner tilbake.
Bankmannen sier til blondinen: "Vi er meget glade for at De ville låne hos oss, men vi er alle en smule forvirret... Mens De var borte sjekket vi Dem og oppdager, at De er multimillionær.
Det, som forvirrer oss er, at De behøvde å låne 5.000 kroner?"
Blondinen svarer: "Hvor ellers i Oslo kan jeg parkere min bil i to uker for 31 kroner?!"
12-01-2009, 23:35 #2053
Gjerne se denne mens du spiser
12-02-2009, 00:19 #2054
12-04-2009, 00:29 #2055
12-04-2009, 03:08 #2056
12-06-2009, 23:45 #2057
12-16-2009, 16:36 #2058
Hva som EGENTLIG skjedde med Berlusconi
12-19-2009, 08:35 #2059
12-20-2009, 23:51 #2060